Ho'oponopono

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Four short sentences. If you've spent any time around wellness spaces, you've probably heard them. They come from ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian practice of setting things right, and I want to write about it carefully, because it isn't mine.

Where it comes from

Ho'oponopono means, roughly, "to make right." In its traditional form it isn't a private mantra. It's a family process, led by an elder or a healer, in which everyone involved in a conflict gathers, speaks honestly, and works toward release together. The relationship is what's being healed, not just the individual.

The four-sentence version most people know today was taught by Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona, a Hawaiian healer who adapted the practice in the twentieth century so that a person could do it alone. That's the form I'll talk about here. I hold it with respect, and with the awareness that a simplified version of someone's tradition isn't the tradition itself.

What the sentences do

What strikes me, as a therapist, is the order.

I'm sorry comes first. Not because you've done something wrong, necessarily, but because acknowledging harm, even harm you didn't intend, even harm to yourself, is where repair begins.

Please forgive me softens the part of us that would rather defend than reconnect.

Thank you turns toward what's still good. Gratitude and resentment have a hard time sharing a room.

I love you is the destination. Sometimes toward another person. Often, in my experience, toward the parts of ourselves we've been at war with.

How I use it

I don't prescribe ho'oponopono. But I've sat with people who found the words on their own and used them like a hand on the back. Whispered in the car before a hard conversation. Said to a photograph. Said into the mirror on a morning when nothing kinder was available.

If you try it, try it slowly. One sentence per breath. Notice what happens in your body when you say I love you to something you've been carrying. That's information.

And if you find yourself wanting to know more about the practice, look for Hawaiian voices first. The people a tradition belongs to are the ones who can teach it.

There's more on how I think about forgiveness and repair in couples work, and I'm always glad to talk.